Gratitude Sucks

Okay, fine. Gratitude doesn’t ALWAYS suck. I used an aggressive clickbait title and I’m walking it back immediately. Please, please don’t come after me with gratitude journals and pitchforks if that’s what works for you.

I believe you! I support that! I have a cheesy planner that includes gratitude prompts and I use it religiously! I am going on the record to say that being conscious of your blessings is a lovely and beneficial practice that can help you become more resilient.

But only if it’s genuine gratitude.

I’ve had a few versions of this conversation in sessions lately. A client has ambivalent or negative feelings about something. We dig into it a little bit. And then, the thought appears: “Well, I know other people have it worse.”

Or: “I shouldn’t feel this way.”

The kicker: “I should just be grateful.”

Ah, yes. The whole “other people have it worse, eat your vegetables because there are starving people out there, #blessed” thing.

Most people are trying pretty hard to be conscious of other people’s feelings. Pretty much everyone I know is trying to be more empathetic to others’ struggles, to notice the things they take for granted, to reckon with living in a scary and unjust world. The ability to recognize when other people DO have it worse is an important skill.

But I have to say, it breaks my heart when people feel like they can’t have feelings. Not even in the privacy of a therapy session, not even in the privacy of their own brain! The “Just Be Grateful” demon is summoned and suddenly they’re not allowed to be heartbroken, pissed off, petty, sad, bored, or triggered.

Usually what happens is that you still feel the way you actually feel, but with the additional burden of elaborately pretending to be fine. As a client brilliantly explained to me this week, it actually tends to make things worse, because the effort of appearing totally gracious and kind is so draining that you end up passive aggressively (or aggressive aggressively) punishing the people around you for your unmet needs.

I told that client that I hate hearing or thinking about gratitude shit when I’m upset, and it felt like air came back into the room. We laughed together, and then they ranted about how they actually felt sometimes: inferior, desirous, begrudging of others and their good fortune. Their “homework” after that session was to find opportunities to privately be a bitch for a few minutes. (I love my job).

Suddenly there was room for self-compassion. Feeling angry and jealous and wishing for more doesn’t make them an ungrateful person. It just means they’re a person.

Anyone who ever read my journals would probably conclude that I’m 50% histrionic wet rag and 50% spiteful, foul-tempered sociopath. That’s not who I am all or even most of the time. But without having that sacred internal space to be exactly as flawed and selfish as I am in my low moments, I wouldn’t have anything to give to others.

So be brave. Be a bitch. Just for a little while. Then you might really, actually feel grateful.